A Random Act of Kindness

One day long ago I was driving my stupid POS Ford Escort stationwagon that I had gotten stuck with in my divorce. I hated HATED that car with a passion. It was ugly, slow, and guaranteed to prevent me from ever dating in the future.

On top of that, Jiffy Lube didn't put the oil plug back in after a change once and the engine had to be replaced. This engine was not as reliable and I kept having issue after issue. It seemed like a never-ending nightmare.

On the way home this day I stopped at my usual c-store to get gas and as I was filling up, I saw a brand-new Ford Escort wagon parked outside. I shook my head in disbelief that anyone would willingly purchase one of those at full price. It even had the temp tags in the window it was so new. I just pitied whoever bought that car.

Moments later a man walked out of the c-store and headed directly to the car. As I watched him I imagined him coming over and asking me how I liked my car, and I would tell him it's the worst thing ever. An evil smile grew on my face as I relished that imaginary conversation.

Suddenly the man looked over at me and stopped. Oh god. He turned towards me and started coming my way with a look that unmistakably said "I love my new car and I'm going to ask this guy about how much he loves his new car and I'll be happy!" I groaned inwardly as I prepared myself to deliver the bad news about his purchase.

In the few seconds I had left, I thought about his future with the car if I unleashed a tirade of negativity. He might feel a little ashamed and stupid for buying the Escort. I might even ruin his night with what I'd say. From today forward, anything that ever happened to his car - no matter how minor - would be "just one more flaw" in the Escort. I could cause him years of frustration if I told the truth. Hell, he might even go home and kick the dog.

Two steps away. He's grinning from ear to ear like a proud father. Time slows down as he begins to ask his question.

"Hey, I just bought that new Escort over there and I love it! What do you think of your car?"

A half-second passes by in agony, streched over a year's time. I make my decision and force myself to speak.

"Well... I love my car. It gets me where I need to go without any fuss. I'm very happy with all the room I have, it's perfect for a small family. It even has a little pep in the engine. I think you'll love your new car."

The man brightened visibly, his smile widening so much I thought his head would split in half. "Thanks, I knew it was a good purchase! Great chatting with you!" He headed back to his car with a spring in his step and, presumably, a song on his lips.

As he got in his brand-new Escort, I thought of all the frustration I saved him. He won't be constantly on the lookout for something to go wrong. Minor problems won't set him off. Most importantly, he went home happy and confident that he'd spent his money wisely.

Who knows what happened, all I know is that I didn't ruin his day (and however long his car loan was) just because I was pissed off about my car. And I gotta tell you, I really, really wanted to vent about my car.

Polyphasic Sleeping

Have you ever tried polyphasic sleeping? Check out the link below and read up on it, then come back here.

http://dustincurtis.com/sleep.html

I once did what he called “The Uberman” for about five days, and I gotta tell you it was the longest month of my life. I decided to schedule my naps for 12, 4, and 8 around the clock.

At first getting to sleep was the problem. I would just lay down for my 20 minutes trying as hard as I could to sleep. After my normal sleep time passed I would drift off for a few moments, but that was it. (I started during the day to make it easier) That first night was simply me staying up all night long, except by the morning I did actually sleep for one 20 minute period.

The second day I felt sluggish and tired all day long. I started sleeping the entire 20 minutes without too much struggle, but between naps I just couldn’t think straight. I was a little worried as the night approached - I was getting so tired I thought I might stay asleep past my twenty.

Staying up until midnight was tough. I went down for my 20 and it passed pretty fast. I willed myself out of bed and decided to drive to the Walmart to walk around for a while to stay awake. I was there for about an hour and headed home to do… something. I turned on some cable channel and forced myself to pay attention. I was never so happy for 4am to come around than ever before.

This time I hit the pillow and my alarm went off immediately. I sat up quickly to keep from passing out again and went to shower. I must have zoned out because the water went cold really fast. That woke me up! I shambled over to my computer to start the work day and realized I was about three hours too early (I worked from home anyway).

I sat there and was actually productive for a couple hours, but as 8am approached I was shaking with anticipation. As soon as the clock ticked over, I was in bed, lights out and asleep instantly. Once again the alarm went off almost before I laid down and I hopped out of bed.

Day three was excruciating. I was literally a zombie. I could not put a coherent sentence together, I drove like I was drunker than usual, and I frequently zoned out for minutes at a time. My nap times were like crackers being doled out to a starving man. It took every ounce of my being to sit up after a nap.

That night, while dreaded, did not end up being as difficult as the daytime. I did another run to Walmart but headed back pretty quick because there were some games I wanted to play on the Xbox. The 4am and 8am sleeps were exactly 20 minutes long, but I recovered better.

The fourth day was the turning point, and not in a good way. After the 8am nap I was in a fog. Everything seemed like it was a dream. My speaking difficulties reached a new low. Not only could I not use more than one syllable every ten minutes, but I slurred those few words that I might as well have just grunted. Maybe that’s what I’m doing.

My time between sleeps degraded into me just sitting on the edge of the couch, rocking back and forth while slapping myself occasionally to stay awake. The 4pm sleep was almost my destruction - I overslept my alarm for 20 minutes. When I woke up it actually made me clear-headed enough to get some work done, but that only lasted for a couple of hours. I spent the last hour or so of my wake period watching the clock.

The last evening of my experiment could not have been any more surreal than if I’d been on salvia. There were points when I couldn’t tell if I was awake or asleep. I would get up to get a snack from the kitchen, pause at the breakfast table and stand there for five minutes trying to remember what I was doing.

I would occasionally see small animals running down my hallway. I also heard noises - lots of noises. Buzzes, beeps, honks - all kinds of mechanical sounds. Walking around was physically painful at this point. The only thing that kept me going was the though that eventually I was going to break through “the barrier” - whatever that was - and be a productive member of society again.

After the 8am sleep, I just couldn’t function anymore. I couldn’t figure out how to put my clothes on for the longest time. Breakfast was a messy affair. I didn’t get any work done at all. I could only think of the upcoming 12pm sleep.

The 12pm sleep was the easiest one I’d done in a while. I woke up feeling fairly refreshed, but that was relative to the prior wake period. I was able to do more than just drool on myself and I thought that I might get through this after all. The 4pm sleep approached and I laid down again, feeling positive about things for the first time in days.

I did not wake up again for twenty hours.I declared the experiment a failure. Even after that long sleep I wasn’t the same for several days. I still experienced zone-outs, hallucinations, and other crazy stuff while I was awake. By the end of the week I was back to normal.

Now I have nightmares about polyphasic sleeping…

April Fools Day horror

So I really love April Fool's Day. It used to be that not a year went by when I didn’t play someone for the fool on April 1. Normally I’d just pick one person to play a joke on, but sometimes I’d pick a group of people. Regardless of who the target is, the joke is a doozie. I’m not a slapstick kinda guy. I would go for the kind of thing that will evoke some emotion - usually negative. My excitement with April Fools Day was tempered somewhat with an incident that happened in 2004…

Late March, 2004. I had been at my new job for six months as a software developer for Temple-Inland. It was a busy time for TI. The company was actually three companies and prior to my arrival each company was headquartered in a different city. Inland Paperboard and Packaging was in Indianapolis, Indiana and they made boxes, basically. Temple-Inland Forest Products was based in Diboll, Texas, and Guaranty Bank was based in Austin. TI had decided to consolidate operations in Austin and gave their employees a choice: Move to Austin (paid relocation), or leave the company and accept a generous severance package. Many people uprooted their families and moved to Austin, and most of the people who left the company were ready to retire. The company was in the final stages of this transition when I joined.

I got to know a lot of new people at TI and I heard many times how difficult the transition was for their families. The cost of living was much higher in Austin than it was in Indianapolis or Diboll and many families were finding their budgets stretched tight. Their children had to make new friends at school and some families were split because some teens decided to finish their senior year back home. At the same time TI was undergoing a major company-wide software upgrade and manufacturing implementation which caused people to work long hours. With some of the most vaulable and seasoned employees now gone and replaced by fresh faces, company operations were suffering a bit. It was a stressful time for everyone.

The headquarters of Temple-Inland in Austin is in a very nice location. The large building is on a slight hill with views of downtown Austin and the rolling hill country. The rich and famous live in neighborhoods surrounding the building and there is shopping and entertainment within a few minute’s drive. Unfortunately, the building was built on “environmentally sensitive land” so the local tree huggers were not happy. They were even less pleased when TI announced plans to add on to the campus and it sent the Save Our Springs crowd (referring Barton Springs) into a tizzy.

This is where I come in. I decide to whip up a little April Foolery and send it to a couple of friends in the office. I told them personally that it was a joke but unlike the example linked below, I did not make any indication anywhere that it was a joke, unlike in the example you are about to read. I didn’t think my ‘friends’ would pass it on without comment. Read the ‘joke’ and come back for Part 2: The Aftermath.

THE TEXT OF THE WEB PAGE

Temple-Inland Bows to Environmental Pressure

Fortune 400 Company Moving Headquarters to Smithville (APRIL FOOLS)

By Kent Brockman

APRIL FOOLS STAFF

Thursday, April 1, 2004

One of Central Texas' largest public companies has succumbed to pressure from enviromental groups and is plannning to move its corporate offices to Smithville, TX.

Smithville, a small community 50 miles East of Austin on Highway 71, will gain thousands of jobs and millions in revenue from this unprecedented move.

Temple-Inland was originally planning to expand its Austin location -- just south of Bee Caves Road off Mopac Expressway -- but came under fire because it sits over environmentally sensitive land. Expansion of the headquarters would have required an Austin City Council variance in compliance with the Save Our Springs Ordinance.

The company's 445,000-square-foot campus houses about 1,600 employees, says Doyle Simons, vice president of administration for Temple-Inland. Roughly 400 of those employees arrived over the course of the past year following consolidation of operations from other cities, Simons says.

"The logistics of building a new facility and moving our entire operation to Smithville will be difficult and expensive," Simons admitted, "but it is the best decision in the long run for Temple-Inland and the environment."

Environmentalist groups and residents surrounding Temple-Inland's MoPac location are overjoyed. "I didn't buy this expensive house in this expensive neighborhood so I could look at an office building," one resident complained. "I just thank God that I'll be getting my view back."

The company is going to build an 800,000-square-foot facility on what is now the Smithville Crawford Municipal Airport. The company purchased the airport earlier this year and plans to break ground on the new facility by November of this year.

Simons says, "There was some resistance from a small group of pilots and aircraft owners based at the airport, but in the end we were able to satisfy everyone."

Reaction by residents of Smithville are mixed. Smithville resident Carol Stevens told the Statesman "I'm really happy that we're getting such a big company in Smithville, but I'm worried about losing the small-town feel."

Some Smithville residents are worried about the rise in property taxes, crime, and other factors. "I just want assurances that we're not going to turn into another Austin." Stevens said. "I moved out here for the country life."

The company estimates that it will cost nearly $50 million to build the new facility and move operations to Smithville. "The cost is acceptable when you consider what we're doing for the environment," Simons says.

Temple-Inland plans to inform their corporate staff about the details of the move on Friday, April 2. Kenneth Jastrow II, chairman and CEO of Temple-Inland, says "Our employees will understand what we're doing and support us wholeheartedly during this move."

PART 2: The Aftermath

The preceding web page was attached to an email with the subject line "Check this out" and sent it to a few friends. I immediately walked over to those friends and personally told them that it was my idea for and April Fool’s joke. They read it. We chuckled. I went back to my desk and didn’t think anything more of it. A little while later I heard the people on the other side of the wall laughing to people on the phone. Apparently they sent it to some friends and they were calling to see what their reaction was. I heard reports of disbelief and anger, but when they knew it was a joke the recipient thought it was funny too. I was happy to hear that my efforts were not in vain. It was lunch time by now so me and a few coworkers left for a local restaurant. That lunch hour was one of those times when something terrible happens, but the person that will be affected by it does not know yet. They get to live a few more blissful moments before the crushing reality of their actions descends upon them much like an anvil descends upon Wile E. Coyote.

I returned to my desk after lunch and saw a post-it note on my computer monitor. Only seconds of innocence remained as I leaned closer to the note. It was signed by my boss, and it said "Please see me IMMEDIATELY when you return." My time was up. My heart sank. I kept a nervous smile on my face as I pulled off the note and headed to my boss’s cubicle. I warily peeked around the corner but he was not at his desk. I looked around the office like someone standing in an open feild looking for a sniper in the trees. I needed to know what was going on so I walked one row over to find the boss of another department. He saw me as I approached him and I could see by the "dead man" recognition in his eyes when he saw me that I was not going to enjoy the next few hours.

I began to hear the horrifying tale of the email. In the original version of the web page, I did not change any information on the newspaper’s web site. I had pulled a legitimate news article and simply replaced the story. The reporter’s name, the ads, everything was real. To construct my hoax I took a real news story about Temple-Inland and used it as a template for my page. It was utterly convincing and many other people thought so as well. While I was gone the email had been forwarded over and over without any comment, nobody bothering to say that it was an April Fools joke. People read that ‘news article’ and wept, yelled, or both. Husbands called wives who cried over the phone about having to move again so soon. Coworkers angrily called the newspaper demanding to know where they got their information. Upper management was attacked by employees demanding answers. A large portion of the employees of this multi-billion dollar company had been reduced to an angry mob quite literally ready to mutiny and burn the whole frackin’ place down. I was aghast.

It was about this time that I thought to myself, wow, this both wonderful and terrible at the same time. I had always tried to touch a nerve with my April Fools jokes and this was my crowning achievement. But, I had seen the car accident and was now driving slowly away thinking I was glad it wasn’t me. Then my boss came back and I realized that the horrible flaming wreckage of this email was yet to be discovered.

My boss had just gotten back from a meeting with the CEO, CIO, and the CFO of Temple-Inland, the corporate attorney, and the VP of our division. He said he’d been in the CEO’s office with them the entire time I’d been at lunch. He said the CFO had received the email first out of all the executives - but he got it from outside the company. The attorney and CIO saw the email at about the same time and wanted me fired on the spot.

You know that moment when you realize you have screwed up so utterly and completely that time slows down and the world begins to spin? When the voices around you are reduced to a low mumble as your hearing shuts down? When you are sure that this is what death feels like? Yeah, that was how I felt right then. But, just when I was trying to figure out how to get a ticket on Southwest Airlines, I got some better news: The CEO thought it was hilarious. The CFO thought one of his relatives had written it and praised its creativity. So the CEO and CFO didn’t want to let me go but the CIO and attorney wanted me gone. They made a deal. If this hoax affected the stock price of the company, then I would be fired. If not, they would keep me on and I would never do anything like that again.

I never was so focused on a company’s stock in my entire life. Alas, it did not waver one bit.

The next day I was called in to the division VP’s office. I took the long walk between all the cubicles to the much-coveted window office at the end of the hall. I didn’t have to even pause at the door as the serious-faced exec waved me in and told me to shut the door. I sat timidly on the edge of the chair facing his desk as he considered me from his lowered gaze. He steepled his fingers in front of his face as if to deliver a calm yet frightening rebuke, surely about to threaten me with immediate termination if I so much as shift in my seat.

Instead, he laughed.

He said he agreed with the CEO and considered it one of the funniest things he’s seen in a long time. He wondered why I wasn’t working on the corporate website with my skills (such as they were). But, while it was funny and creative, he said that it should be clear that something like this should never be attempted again. The powers that be would not be so lenient again. He said I dodged a bullet this time and it was only the humor of the CEO that saved me. I thanked him, pledged never to do it again, and quickly left the office.

Epilogue

Later that year at the summer picnic, I got to the outdoor venue early and helped myself to the food line that had just been set up. There was plenty of seating available and since only a few dozen people had shown up, so I picked a table away from the crowd for now. I had not been there very long when the CIO sat down across from me at the table. I nearly spit my food out on him, but I showed restraint and merely bugged out my eyes. He then told me that he didn’t think he knew me and liked to get to know the people in IT. You see, despite the crisis we’d never actually met and here he was - the man who wanted me gone - chatting me up. I told him that he was right, we’d never met but I’m sure he knew who I was. His eyebrows raised while I put out my hand to shake his and told him my name. The recognition swept over his face - realization, anger, acceptance - all at once. He remained with me for a few minutes making some awkward small talk before excusing himself to talk to another hapless employee.

I enjoyed the picnic.